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OOM: Confession
Aug. 23rd, 2006 02:10 pmMichelle's aware of movement downstairs. Her eyes slowly open and she watches the dresser shift in and out of focus. If she'd only had the strength, or maybe the selfishness, to pull the trigger.
Earlier, she'd called President Palmer, trying not to break down for those few minutes. Hearing the former President giving his condolences was almost more than she could take - she managed to tell him they had to get Tony back and hung up, hugging herself, feeling nauseous. Her husband dead and all their good intentions destroyed. An easy conversation compared to the ones she had with Alex and Maria. Alex had demanded an answer, had wanted to know why he was dead and she couldn't tell him, could barely speak.
Maria had sobbed into the phone, begging for it to be a lie and then offered to come and stay and help. Michelle told her it was okay, that it would be okay, anything she could think of to get off the phone. All they had were questions and she can never tell the truth. Distantly, she hears her mom on the phone and smells food which only makes her feel more ill. A small voice tells her that she should ask about - should care about - the others that didn't -- Her thoughts of anyone other than Tony feel far off.
Which only makes her feel guilty and then angry for feeling guilty, and then crushed. Tony's dead and thinking of anything else is impossible. Even the state of two of her best friends, one of whom Tony died to save and --
She turns onto her back and looks up at the ceiling, hearing footsteps on the stairs.
Her mom knocks lightly and pushes open the door.
"Are you hungry?"
"No," she turns back on her side, looks back at the dresser - the gun - and it's hard to remember why she's fighting.
"Chelle, talk to me." Her voice is closer now and she tries to sound sympathetic. She sits on the edge of the mattress, near her daughter's waist, forcing Michelle to turn the other way.
"Mom, please."
"Michelle."
Even now, she can't disobey, and she turns to face her. Her mom's blond hair is back in a ponytail like Martha Logan sometimes wears when she's trying to look casual. Michelle's mom loves Logan.
"What?" Her voice's rough and throat tight.
"I've been calling people all day - "
"I didn't ask you to," she says softly. She sounds ungrateful. She doesn't care.
"They ask when the funeral will be - when the viewing - "
"Mom - stop," she's trying not to scream.
"Who did Antonio go to save? I need some answers, Chelle. You've kept me out long enough." Her mom's voice is harsh but she gently rubs her arm.
She moistens her lips and presses her face into the pillow. "I can't tell you." But I want to. I want to tell someone and it will never make sense and we've committed a crime but there was no other choice.
"Alan knows an excellent grief counselor." She reaches for the phone that Michelle's tossed on the other side of the bed.
Quicker than she should be able to move, Michelle's hand wraps around her mom's wrist and she sits up on her knees, gazing at her mom with a kind of wild intensity.
"Don't call Alan. You can't call Alan. He can't know. No one can know. Not Bill, not Alan, not anyone in government."
"Michelle, you're not making any sense -- " Her mom tries to pull away, unable to hide her sudden fear.
"Mom, Tony and I - we did something and if anyone finds out - anyone - a lot of people could be in trouble." She lets go and her mom sits back a little. She's gone into lawyer mode.
"What have you been doing, Michelle?" Her tone's cold.
"Last year I went to the funeral of a friend who wasn't really dead. He was --Jack -- they were going to kill him and we had no choice, couldn't just let him die not - not after -- " She looks down at her chipped nail polish, takes a breath, forces herself to continue. "A few weeks ago, we found out that he had been captured and had to try to save him, and Tony - he - he knew that - but he didn't - and he's alive but Tony - Tony - " She leans forward, her hands pressing into her stomach.
Her mom's expression softens and she touches her shoulder. "I think you'd better tell me everything."
Leaving out the bar and in the sketchiest way possible, Michelle haltingly tells her mom about April 2010 and why they helped a fugitive escape justice.
Earlier, she'd called President Palmer, trying not to break down for those few minutes. Hearing the former President giving his condolences was almost more than she could take - she managed to tell him they had to get Tony back and hung up, hugging herself, feeling nauseous. Her husband dead and all their good intentions destroyed. An easy conversation compared to the ones she had with Alex and Maria. Alex had demanded an answer, had wanted to know why he was dead and she couldn't tell him, could barely speak.
Maria had sobbed into the phone, begging for it to be a lie and then offered to come and stay and help. Michelle told her it was okay, that it would be okay, anything she could think of to get off the phone. All they had were questions and she can never tell the truth. Distantly, she hears her mom on the phone and smells food which only makes her feel more ill. A small voice tells her that she should ask about - should care about - the others that didn't -- Her thoughts of anyone other than Tony feel far off.
Which only makes her feel guilty and then angry for feeling guilty, and then crushed. Tony's dead and thinking of anything else is impossible. Even the state of two of her best friends, one of whom Tony died to save and --
She turns onto her back and looks up at the ceiling, hearing footsteps on the stairs.
Her mom knocks lightly and pushes open the door.
"Are you hungry?"
"No," she turns back on her side, looks back at the dresser - the gun - and it's hard to remember why she's fighting.
"Chelle, talk to me." Her voice is closer now and she tries to sound sympathetic. She sits on the edge of the mattress, near her daughter's waist, forcing Michelle to turn the other way.
"Mom, please."
"Michelle."
Even now, she can't disobey, and she turns to face her. Her mom's blond hair is back in a ponytail like Martha Logan sometimes wears when she's trying to look casual. Michelle's mom loves Logan.
"What?" Her voice's rough and throat tight.
"I've been calling people all day - "
"I didn't ask you to," she says softly. She sounds ungrateful. She doesn't care.
"They ask when the funeral will be - when the viewing - "
"Mom - stop," she's trying not to scream.
"Who did Antonio go to save? I need some answers, Chelle. You've kept me out long enough." Her mom's voice is harsh but she gently rubs her arm.
She moistens her lips and presses her face into the pillow. "I can't tell you." But I want to. I want to tell someone and it will never make sense and we've committed a crime but there was no other choice.
"Alan knows an excellent grief counselor." She reaches for the phone that Michelle's tossed on the other side of the bed.
Quicker than she should be able to move, Michelle's hand wraps around her mom's wrist and she sits up on her knees, gazing at her mom with a kind of wild intensity.
"Don't call Alan. You can't call Alan. He can't know. No one can know. Not Bill, not Alan, not anyone in government."
"Michelle, you're not making any sense -- " Her mom tries to pull away, unable to hide her sudden fear.
"Mom, Tony and I - we did something and if anyone finds out - anyone - a lot of people could be in trouble." She lets go and her mom sits back a little. She's gone into lawyer mode.
"What have you been doing, Michelle?" Her tone's cold.
"Last year I went to the funeral of a friend who wasn't really dead. He was --Jack -- they were going to kill him and we had no choice, couldn't just let him die not - not after -- " She looks down at her chipped nail polish, takes a breath, forces herself to continue. "A few weeks ago, we found out that he had been captured and had to try to save him, and Tony - he - he knew that - but he didn't - and he's alive but Tony - Tony - " She leans forward, her hands pressing into her stomach.
Her mom's expression softens and she touches her shoulder. "I think you'd better tell me everything."
Leaving out the bar and in the sketchiest way possible, Michelle haltingly tells her mom about April 2010 and why they helped a fugitive escape justice.
