chelleuncurled | 4x23

Intellectually Michelle knows there was a lower point in her life, but it's hard to remember as she sits in her car and tries to resist the urge to pull out her gun and put an end to this misery.

Tony is dead. And she killed him. Because she didn't love him more than the millions of faceless people that populated an unknown city. Because she couldn't let them die for her own selfishness. And because she was weak - or maybe too strong - Tony's dead.

Milliways was a lie. One she invented from stress and guilt. A magical bar where she could mend old wounds and create new relationships? What was she thinking? Then seeing Tony again today, such a different man from the one she remembered in the bar. She thought he regretted getting back together, that he'd moved on. But he told her she was wrong and that he wanted to be with her and she couldn't help but respond. Still, she imagined a bar where she learned that she'd wind up with Tony in the end. Well, there was one way to insure that happening.

She admitted that she needed him, that she loved him, that she couldn't and didn't want to spend another day without him. So, of course the god that she wasn't sure she believed in would try to destroy her happiness, her hope, her future.

Tony, she knows, wouldn't blame her for making the other decisiion. It's the one that she wanted him to make, was angry at him for not making on that September morning. But, now, she knows that this feeling is impossible to live with, the feeling of failing the person you love, of being responsible and not trying *everything* to save them, is a terrible punishment for serving your country.

If she could have stayed at work, she could have pushed this out of her mind, at least until the crisis was over. But, no, Bill made her leave, giving her nothing but time to think about how she messed up, how she lost him and will never get him back.

She's not sobbing but tears are falling down her face and she's not trying to stop them. It's not fair. It's not fair that it's ending this way and she's not going to begin praying now. But oh Tony.

She still remembers his hands against her face, the way his lips felt against hers and she'll never have that again.

At least it's raining. Which feels fitting and she couldn't handle a clear beautiful night. Ending her life in a CTU parking lot would also be fitting.

Then, her phone rings and she's tempted not to answer it, but a little voice in her head tells her that this isn't the ending and Audrey did say something about her thinking Tony was dead....she grabs onto that hope and answers the phone.

"Hello?" she answers roughly.

"Michelle, it’s Bill. Tony’s alive." A familiar voice tells her and she feels her heart start to beat again.

So many questions, wondering for a moment if she's imagining this phone call, but she feels the truth of his words.

"What?"

"He wasn’t in the car. He’s OK. I’ll let Tony explain it to you. Hold on the phone." Bill's words aren't making sense to her, she understands that Tony's okay but it feels impossible.

After a moment, she hears Tony's voice. "Michelle, it’s me." She never realized she'd miss hearing him say her name, knowing it was him from his first breath. Now, she knows exactly how Scully felt when she heard a man she thought was dead say her name.

In that instant she can almost believe a higher power is watching over her. "Tony. Oh, my God."

She loves him, she needs him, she never wants to be away from him again.

The next few sentences pass in a daze. "She made somebody else wear my clothes. She needed to keep me alive until she got out. Jack figured it out. He was able to save me."

We won't be able to save him

She forces herself away from that line of thought. Tony's alive. And he's coming back to her. She needs to focus on the miracle and not ask for another.