By the Tree

[chelleuncurled]

[ooc: After this]

Michelle runs across the grass, still trying to get a deep breath, still failing. But she needs to get to the tree, needs to be there. Because, Tony will be there, and she won't have to face this and he'll be reaching for her hand and then it'll be okay.

If she tries she can get away from her thoughts, but alcohol won't work and she can't face the truth or the possible truth and he told her it was just a dream and she held onto that like a child holds onto the Tooth Fairy. When he came back, when he shied from her touch, when she thought she heard screams, she was able to write those off but the truth...he'd never tell the truth.

Hurt because of her, because Saunders put him in an impossible situation and that fucking bastard was in the bar and oh God Michelle wanted to make him pay, she wanted to...her gun was upstairs...she could find him...

Reaching the tree, but Tony wasn't there and she slumped against it, hiding her face in her hands and the air was heavy and she sunk to the ground, crying like she hasn't cried in years and unable to stop.

Comments

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

Jack hurries out of the bar not far behind her, quickly spotting her by the tree that Tony usually sat under. She'd covered her face with her hands, and he could hear her sobs from where he stood, wondering if he should approach her, or let her have some time alone.

He doesn't really think he should leave her alone, though, considering what she's just heard.

He slowly walks over to her, crouching next to her. "Michelle, we don't know anything for certain. And none of this is your fault," he says softly.

[chelleuncurled]

Michelle's taking gasping breaths, her chest hurts, but she notices the pain distantly. She's not sure where this emotion is coming from...stoic Michelle, untouchable Michelle, able to hold everything together until something slips past her defenses.

Part of her hadn't wanted to acknowledge what might have happened in prison, thinking she could just move past it - pretend that it was a blip in her life. But for Tony, it was much more...this creature that stripped away layers, attacked him at levels that she couldn't begin to imagine, and changed him forever.

She's aware that Jack followed her outside.

She shakes her head.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

It's obvious she's not ready to hear that yet; better to focus on the simple things first. "Okay, Michelle? I need you to try and concentrate on something for me. Just try and concentrate on taking a deep breath. Got it?"

[chelleuncurled]

He's talking to her like she's a child.

"I-I don't need to calm down," she sobs...breaking down wasn't a choice, but she reached her limit and could go no further. Her self-control had collapsed like a house of cards.

"I don't need your help."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

Her words sting like a slap. She may have said she doesn't need his help, but to him it ends up sounding more like she didn't want his help, that he couldn't help.

And as he'd mentioned to her before, he hates it when he can't do something about a situation. Even more so, when it's a sitation he's caused. He knows that this is something that she should have at least considered, something that she shouldn't have stuck her head in the sand on, but at the moment those thoughts aren't overriding the fact that he had been the one that actually mentioned it.

He swallows, taking a step backward. "I'm sorry, Michelle."

[chelleuncurled]

"I hate him so much, I wish that I could kill him, I want to *hurt* him," She tries to take a breath and winds up taking a quick one through her nose and the inability to fill her lungs just makes it harder to stop crying.

"His fault. My fault...."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

It takes him a moment to figure out who she's talking about. "Saunders? Get in line, Michelle," he says quietly, but with a distinct lack of snark.

[chelleuncurled]

"You weren't there. He didn't kidnap you, he didn't hold you as a trump card, you didn't have to live with the knowledge that he was forcing the person you love to sacrifice everything they believed in," her voice is rough and some of the words are unintelligible.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"No, he didn't. But he...he didn't give men any other choice but to do what he demanded and kill someone I worked with. He kidnapped and threatened the life of a good friend. He put another friend in the worst position imaginable, giving him no other option but to commit treason or kill the person he loved more than any other. He killed a thousand people, and would have killed millions more, partly because of a personal vendetta. And when I said 'get in line' I didn't mean I was the only person in that line. Ryan, Chris, Tony, Chase...there are a lot of other people who'd gladly tear him limb from limb."

[chelleuncurled]

"I...I had so many nightmares about the hotel and Tony and prison...I don't want to see these images anymore," she whispers into her hands. She's starting to feel a little light headed, but she can't make herself calm down.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"I know," he says softly, "I know."

He watches her for a minute, before venturing a little warily, "Michelle, I'm not gonna baby you or tell you what to do, but you do need to try and take a couple deep breaths before you pass out."

[chelleuncurled]

Jack's words make sense. Because the world's starting to gray around the edges and it feels like she's sinking into the ground which is impossible.

"I...I can't," she admits.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Yes, you can, Michelle," he says, quietly, but firmly.

[chelleuncurled]

She shakes her head but is almost gasping for air. Panic attack her mind names how she's feeling.

Tony's hurt, Tony's defenseless, Tony is whispering her name as a prayer...and she can't help him, can't be with him and she...

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

Despite her reaction to his touch earlier, he gently takes her face in his hands, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Michelle, yes. You. Can," he says sternly.

[chelleuncurled]

She sees him through blurry eyes and part of her wants to pull away but if she pulls back she'll hit her head on the tree.

Havetocalmdown havetocalmdown havetocalmdown

She's still taking small shallow breaths, but she's trying.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Come on, Michelle, you can do this," he says firmly, hardly blinking so he can keep eye contact. He doesn't want to have to figure out what he's going to do if she passes out on him, so he has to get her to breathe normally.

[chelleuncurled]

He's right. She can do this. She has no choice.

Don't think, don't think, just breathe

But it's hard to push these thoughts out of her mind. "Can't," she gasps. Her hands are starting to feel lighter.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Yes you can, and you will," he says, staring her in the eye, willing her to do it, trying to think of anything else that could held break through her blind panic.

[chelleuncurled]

She tries to focus on his voice, trying to bring herself back to reality. She puts down her hands, feeling the grass against her palm.

And slowly, her breaths get a little deeper.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He can see her breaths slowing, getting a little deeper but he's not letting go just yet, not until he's sure she's not going to start hyperventilating again.

"Good. Keep going," he says, his tone still firm, still watching her closely.

[chelleuncurled]

The panic recedes. Grass and dirt against her fingers, not cement. Above her, an endless unfamiliar sky. No bars, no laughter, the tightness in her chest lessens just a little as she slowly comes back to herself.

"I...I'm okay."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He moves his hands down to her shoulders, a reminder that she's not alone in this, that she has his support.

"I'm sorry I ever mentioned the possibility, Michelle." But if it's true this is something you're going to have to deal with and hiding your head in the sand isn't going to help.

[chelleuncurled]

She leans back against the tree, taking deep breaths and tilting her head to look up at the sky.

She can't put her thoughts into words or explain what just happened. It's been a while since she's felt that way and never so out of control.

But she can't talk, she rubs her eyes and blinks, trying to clear her vision.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

Now that she's calmed down he addresses something she'd mentioned.

"None of this is your fault, Michelle," he says quietly.

[chelleuncurled]

"Yes, it is...and when it came time for me to make the same choice, I couldn't."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Michelle, it's not your fault. Saunders was the one who kidnapped you. Tony was the one who decided to do it on his own. And you made the right choice, even if it was just as impossible as the only other option. You told someone, so that we could try and set a trap for her."

[chelleuncurled]

She takes a deep breath. "I was the one who went into the hotel! I disobeyed a direct order because I thought I was right. But I wasn't. And I got Gael killed and all those other agents...so it's my fault."

Thought she'd handled this in therapy but hadn't been honest with herself...

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Michelle, you went in because you had a chance to stop the virus from being released in the first place. If you'd stayed outside, it still would have been released, and all those innocent civilians would still have died, with no one to control things from inside immediately after the virus' release. More people could even have gotten out of the hotel, causing a bigger outbreak in the city. And then you'd be sitting here, blaming yourself for sitting outisde the hotel and not doing anything."

He pauses for a moment before adding, his voice a little softer and slightly hoarse, "Besides, if you really want to go back that far, then blame me for wasting all that time in Mexico that day when Amador didn't even have any intention of selling it to Nina or the Salazars."

[chelleuncurled]

She knows that he's right but it doesn't make what happened any easier to bear.

There's a part of her that wishes she could blame him, could be angry at him for not letting her know about the plan or thinking ahead or doing research or well thinking clearly at all. But looking at him, she can't blame him. He couldn't tell the future. And she knows he wants the blame, would gladly take it on himself. Because at least part of his fight to save Tony was motivated by guilt.

"I keep thinking he's getting better and then..."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"I know, Michelle. But that's the nature of the illness. It doesn't just just go away, it usually doesn't even just keep improving gradually. There are ups and downs, and it may never go away completely. And it won't, while Tony doesn't deal with a lot of things."

[chelleuncurled]

"I think we're all good at avoiding things," she swallows - can finally swallow and breathe without sobbing.

She takes a shaky breath and lets it out, loosening her hands which had been gripping the ground, feeling dirt under her nails.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I think we are. A little too good at it," he says softly.

[chelleuncurled]

"I can't believe I just..." She hides her face with her hand.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Just what?"

[chelleuncurled]

"Had that reaction."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Michelle, you've been under a lot of stress lately, and this was something you obviously didn't want to think about. I don't blame you fro reacting like you did."

[chelleuncurled]

"I don't like people to see me like this," she says after a moment. "I didn't...wanted to seem stronger."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"I think all of us do, Michelle," he says with a grim smile.

[chelleuncurled]

She looks up at him, "Don't tell Tony about this."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He shakes his head. "I won't. He doesn't need to know about this right now."

[chelleuncurled]

"Thank you," she whispers. "And it's not your fault either."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He gives her a small smile, though he knows he might not ever really believe it, even if he keeps telling himself that. "Thanks. You ready to head inside, or do you want to stay out here for a while?"

[chelleuncurled]

She doesn't want to go back inside but she knows if she doesn't leave now, she might wind up spending the night out here.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Okay," he says, smiling a little more and standing, offering her a hand up.

[ooc: Feel free to wrap, I've got to go to work. :-P]

[chelleuncurled]

She accepts the offer of help and holding onto his hand she manages to stand, her body just a little drained from her breakdown.

She grabs onto his arm for a moment and stays standing.

[ooc: I think one or two more comments...]

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He grabs her arm with his other hand as she teeters a little. "You okay?" he asks, a little concerned.

[ooc: One last post before I head out. ;-)]

[chelleuncurled]

She nods, "Just need to lie down."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Well let's get you to your room first," he says, and with his hand on her arm to steady her, he leads her toward the bar.