Ghost in this house

[chelleuncurled]

May 10, 2012

Michelle hasn't seen Jack since the bar. She's gotten updated status reports from Chris - a cold way to think about a friend's well being, but it's easier to treat this as an investigation.

Her attempts at tracking information back to the source have hit one dead end after another. According to the evidence, a little birdie told the Chinese about Jack still being alive. She called the Toronto police, using her old CTU credentials, and asked the head officer numerous questions about the crime scene and the storage of evidence. She ran a check on her own phones to see if they were being tapped, went through her systems, but she was running out of ideas.

She stifles a yawn. Dr. Banks said being tired is normal and besides, she is still recovering from an emotional experience. When it came time during the prenatal exam to give the father's history, she almost broke down when she realized she didn't know if Tony's family ever had certain diseases and she couldn't believe she didn't ask Alex or Maria those questions before the visit. Her voice trembled as she said she'd have to get back to her on some information. Dr. Banks said a blood test would determine pregnancy and Michelle glanced up at her and told her that she knows she's pregnant and there's no way she's wrong.

The rest of the visit went normally and Michelle watched her blood fill small glass tubes and thought about how she was bleeding for two.

In the waiting area, her mom sat reading Worth and when she saw her daughter she put aside the magazine and walked over to her. Over the last few weeks, Michelle's observed that her mom's started turning Tony into a larger than life figure and using him as a surefire way to keep her from doing anything even slightly dangerous. At the same time, her mom's dislike toward Jack has only grown and Michelle's stopped giving her updates.

In a way she's trapped. Some feelings and things she can never tell anyone - she can't talk to Chris about her jealousy and she can't talk to her mom because she'll only feed her hate and she can't talk to any of her old friends because the circumstances of Tony's death are secret and even if they weren't, she's not sure what she'd say. Some mornings she misses Tony so much she can barely breathe and other times she thinks maybe today will be a good day - but then she'll spot something that reminds her of him and have to force herself to move. She still feels him with her, still expects that she'll wake up and feel his hand against hers, hear him in the shower, have him hand her coffee in the morning - so many little things she took for granted when they were first married, cherished when they were brought back together, and now miss like a sixth sense.

And she knows Jack must have been surprised when she called and asked him if he would help her get Tony's clothes ready for donation. Her mom's been mentioning it casually and more than that she knows living with his memory so strongly around her doesn't help anyone - especially herself and when she's further into her pregnancy she won't be able to lift as much and after the baby arrives it'll be difficult to find the time or energy.

There's a knock at the door and she knows he's arrived.

Comments

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

It's not hard for Jack to find the house, even though he's never been there before. When Michelle had called, asking for help boxing up Tony's things, he hadn't known what to say for a moment. He's the last person he would have thought she'd want to share that painful task. But he hadn't been able to say no.

Parking his new SUV in the driveway, he walks up to the house--a typical two-story suburban house like you'd see in any nice neighbourhood around L.A. It was the kind of place where people could easily raise a family; where you'd expect to open the garage and see bikes and a little red wagon, with a swingset in the backyard.

That was probably what Tony and Michelle were planning when they bought the place, after all.

A knot forming in his stomach, Jack knocks on the door, and a moment later the door swings open. "Hey, Michelle."

[chelleuncurled]

Michelle opens the door, noticing that he looks better, less broken, but he seems wary and the weight he's lost is still evident. "Hi. Thank you for coming."

Her hair's up in a pony tail and she looks healthier than she feels.

"Chris gave you directions?"

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, and I've been in this area of the city a few times," he says, walking inside and stepping out of his shoes. "How are you doing?"

[chelleuncurled]

She looks down at his shoes and her lips curve into a half-smile. Someone trained him well and one of her mom's biggest pet peeves had to do with people wearing shoes all through the house. Tony used to keep forgetting. Her smile fades.

"You might want to keep those on," she comments and glances up. "Today isn't bad." She knows he won't believe she's okay and she's learned to view her life day by day instead of focusing on the overall.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

Jack shrugs. "Unless you've got everything packed already, I'm going to be walking through the house, and I might as well not track dirt everywhere. How's the baby?" he asks, a little hesitantly.

[chelleuncurled]

"Unless you've been running through the mud, I think it'll be okay." She looks away, her eyes slightly unfocused. "The baby's fine."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Good," he says, softly. "So, what did you need me to do?"

[chelleuncurled]

"There're boxes and bags in the bedroom and except for a few sweaters and shirts...it can all go." She tries to keep her voice even. "You're one of the few people that Tony wouldn't - he wouldn't -- he'd be okay with you going through his things."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

Jack nods, glancing away from her for a minute. "You don't want any of it?"

[chelleuncurled]

No, she wanted all of it. Left alone she would leave everything in its place, make sure no dust collected on the clothing, and would have a silent memorial to him through pants, shirts, and those few ties he hated to wear.

"What do you mean?"

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Just...you're sure you want to get rid of everything." He has to wonder if she really wants to get rid of all of Tony's things; if there might not be a shirt, or sweater or something she wanted to save.

But then the only experience about that kind of thing he has to go on is from when Teri died; when he left things as they were for a while, then one day called Kim to tell her to take what she wanted. Once she'd picked out what she wanted, he'd tossed things in boxes without looking, in a blind, grief-fuelled attempt to numb himself and forget his guilt and pain; he'd probably been more than a little drunk, if not when he called Kim, then after she left. There were some things that had escaped, but most of Teri's clothes and things had gone into boxes; out of sight, but never out of mind.

He'd put the boxes in the garage, leaving them unlabelled, until months later he'd packed other things he was geting rid of when he sold the house. All the miscellaneous things; old books, dishes, lamps, stuff he was going to donate, he'd piled on top of the boxes containing Teri's clothes, becoming mixed in until he couldn't tell which was which. He'd carted the anonymous boxes off to Goodwill, leaving them unlabelled so he didn't have to think about what was inside.

[chelleuncurled]

"Almost everything," she amends. Jack might notice she's wearing a USMC shirt and it's at least a size too large. "I would rather lock the closet and never touch his things again, but that's not really an option." She looks up at him and tries to remember all of the reasons she had for wanting to complete this task today.

"Are you feeling up to this?" It's more than just that Tony wouldn't mind him helping. Jack's been through this before and with him around she's less likely to dissolve into tears.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I'm fine," he says, more by reflex than because he actually believes it. He couldn't ever really be 'fine' while packing up his best friend's things with his widow. "Where is everything, then?"

[chelleuncurled]

Michelle wants to know if he can lift and carry boxes.

Neither of them are fine emotionally and although he's trying to seem okay she knows from conversations with Chris that he's not. Hearing what he's going through makes her jealousy seem petty and in those moments she wants nothing more than for Chris and Jack to have their lives together.

It's only later, when she's alone, when she feels the empty side of the bed with her hand and looks at the useless clothing that she wishes she could make a trade.

Even if she'd never forgive herself, and Tony would be different, and Chris... - it wouldn't be for her, it would be for the baby growing inside of her.

"In the bedroom," she repeats, giving him a look that makes it clear she's wondering if he's listening to her.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I figured. Where's the bedroom, though?" he asks. "I didn't get the chance to see this place after you two got back together."

[chelleuncurled]

"Upstairs," she assumes he would figure that out and her expression softens. "I know," she says quietly, thinking about how they never thought he'd get to come back. "It was supposed to be a new life." Her words are spoken without thinking and she closes her eyes.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

Jack swallows painfully, wishing he could take her pain away, particularly as he knows how that feels; to have the future--a second chance--in your grasp and have it ripped away suddenly, leaving you with regrets and might-have-beens.

But he's not even sure how he can try and comfort her, not when they've drifted apart and when there's still that tiny voice in his head that still says that if he'd just done things differently, that Tony would still be here, that Michelle wouldn't have to go through with this.

Slowly, without really thinking about what he's doing, he reaches out and lightly puts a hand on her arm, whispering, "I know."

[chelleuncurled]

When she meets his eyes, she knows the depth of that knowledge and has to look away. "Do you want to start putting the boxes together?"

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

Jack pulls his hand away, not sure the gesture was the right move, considering her quick change of the subject. "Yeah, sure," he says, heading for the stairs.

[chelleuncurled]

She gets ahead of him and walks upstairs, a trip she's taken countless times, but somehow feels longer today as if her body knows the task ahead. She stops at first door on the left. "I tried to clean a little - " she's almost embarassed at the state of the room, but, it has been a long few months and it will soon feel a lot emptier.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

Jack shakes his head with a soft, "It's okay." The room's kind of messy, but he's seen worse. He's lived in worse, a few times. After Teri died he hadn't done much cleaning either; only what he'd had to when someone was coming to the house, to convince them that he was okay.

The boxes are on the bed already, and he starts folding them into shape.

[chelleuncurled]

Tony moving back in, Tony moving boxes into the room, the sound of packing tape as they got ready to move into this new house and she's remembering the last time and wants to scream at Jack to stop. Maybe it's too soon; she might need more time.

Instead she picks up the roll of tape from the dresser and walks over to him.

Are you strong enough to do this? At one time I wouldn't have questioned your physical abilities but now...Tony would have never wanted to see you this way. Chris has told me some things - worrying things - and it was so much easier to stay detatched when I didn't see you.

She rips off a piece of tape and begins sealing the bottom of the box.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

The silence in the room is thick, growing hard and harder to break with every minute that passes. It's hard to know what to say at the moment; small talk seems so out of place, so cold, but then he's not sure either of them wants to talk about anything of importance, either. He's not sure they can.

There are so many personal things in here; photos on the bedside table of Michelle and Tony at their wedding, pictures of them together, just relaxing, without a care in the world. Jack tries to concentrate on the cardboard in front of him, not look around at the reminders.

He folds the boxes and she tapes them, and soon enough there are enough ready to get them started. "We can probably start packing things, and just build more as we need them," he says, quietly.

[chelleuncurled]

Michelle glances over at one of the pictures, Tony's arm around her, both of them smiling and casual. Tony had kept a smaller version of the photo in his wallet after they got married the first time. For months she thought she'd never see that man again outside of photos and then the fire came back into his eyes.

It was all gone now.

"That's a good idea," she answers, grateful for the sound of something other than tape ripping off. Tony has - had - his own closet and that will make it easier to sort. After it's cleared she can't imagine ever finding something to fill the space.

"I'll start with the dresser, do you want to handle the closet?"

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Sure," he says, heading over to the one closet that isn't open and opens the doors, flicking on the light. Inside, everything's on hangers or stacked--for the most part, neatly--on the shelf. He pulls an armload of clothing out, everything still on its hangers; it seems easiest to just take it out and take the hangers out as he folds it.

There are a few things he's pulled out that seem familiar; not that he can remember specifically, as he'd never really paid attention to what Tony was wearing, but he has vague memories of seeing Tony wear it. Maybe it's better that way, that it hadn't really made that much of an impression on him, as it helps him stay calm and detached as he carefully starts folding shirts.