Ghost in this house

[chelleuncurled]

May 10, 2012

Michelle hasn't seen Jack since the bar. She's gotten updated status reports from Chris - a cold way to think about a friend's well being, but it's easier to treat this as an investigation.

Her attempts at tracking information back to the source have hit one dead end after another. According to the evidence, a little birdie told the Chinese about Jack still being alive. She called the Toronto police, using her old CTU credentials, and asked the head officer numerous questions about the crime scene and the storage of evidence. She ran a check on her own phones to see if they were being tapped, went through her systems, but she was running out of ideas.

She stifles a yawn. Dr. Banks said being tired is normal and besides, she is still recovering from an emotional experience. When it came time during the prenatal exam to give the father's history, she almost broke down when she realized she didn't know if Tony's family ever had certain diseases and she couldn't believe she didn't ask Alex or Maria those questions before the visit. Her voice trembled as she said she'd have to get back to her on some information. Dr. Banks said a blood test would determine pregnancy and Michelle glanced up at her and told her that she knows she's pregnant and there's no way she's wrong.

The rest of the visit went normally and Michelle watched her blood fill small glass tubes and thought about how she was bleeding for two.

In the waiting area, her mom sat reading Worth and when she saw her daughter she put aside the magazine and walked over to her. Over the last few weeks, Michelle's observed that her mom's started turning Tony into a larger than life figure and using him as a surefire way to keep her from doing anything even slightly dangerous. At the same time, her mom's dislike toward Jack has only grown and Michelle's stopped giving her updates.

In a way she's trapped. Some feelings and things she can never tell anyone - she can't talk to Chris about her jealousy and she can't talk to her mom because she'll only feed her hate and she can't talk to any of her old friends because the circumstances of Tony's death are secret and even if they weren't, she's not sure what she'd say. Some mornings she misses Tony so much she can barely breathe and other times she thinks maybe today will be a good day - but then she'll spot something that reminds her of him and have to force herself to move. She still feels him with her, still expects that she'll wake up and feel his hand against hers, hear him in the shower, have him hand her coffee in the morning - so many little things she took for granted when they were first married, cherished when they were brought back together, and now miss like a sixth sense.

And she knows Jack must have been surprised when she called and asked him if he would help her get Tony's clothes ready for donation. Her mom's been mentioning it casually and more than that she knows living with his memory so strongly around her doesn't help anyone - especially herself and when she's further into her pregnancy she won't be able to lift as much and after the baby arrives it'll be difficult to find the time or energy.

There's a knock at the door and she knows he's arrived.

Comments

[chelleuncurled]

She shakes her head slightly, "I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention." At that time, they were barely more than co-workers and everything else took precedence over finding or noticing a mug. Not like later. She's quiet for a moment.

"After Hammond took over his office I couldn't find the mug and I went out and bought a new one even though I knew he wouldn't see it for - for a long time. He didn't notice and I never told him. I couldn't even keep track of a mug, how am I going to raise a child?"

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"You can't really compare the two," Jack says, "You're probably going to have a harder time intentionally leaving them with someone, than keeping track of them. Besides, they tend to remind you that they're there, even when you'd rather they not."

Just wait until the baby's born and she tries to sit down for more than five minutes and relax.

[chelleuncurled]

"I don't know if I can do this alone," she holds onto one of Tony's shirts, hugging it like a beloved stuffed animal and her head's lowered.

He's gone and they're boxing up his things and then all she'll have are memories and she won't be able to pretend that he's ever coming back. "And there's still the apartment at the bar..."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I know. I can help with that too, if you want," he says, softly, walking over to her. Crouching down beside her, he reaches out and puts a hand on her back. "You don't have to do all of it alone."

[chelleuncurled]

Even after everything there's something calming about him being next to her, maybe because she knows he's not going away.

She breathes out, "But it's not right to ask anyone else to...I should be able to handle this on my own."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

Jack shakes his head. "I don't think anyone can handle something like this on their own. You shouldn't feel like you have to be the exception."

[chelleuncurled]

"Women lose husbands all the time in war, in accidents, in...and they raise children, children that have never seen their fathers and only know them through a picture." She releases her grip on the shirt a little. "I thought I'd be like them - not - not like this."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Michelle, all those women leaned on their friends and family, especially right after," he says, gently. "I knew enough people that had to go through it in the Army. None of them did it alone. You don't have to either."

[chelleuncurled]

"I told my mom about why Tony went to China, why we saved you but she didn't understand it just made her blame you. And the more time I spend with her the more I think she's right, but I don't want to agree with her. My friends from before, there's so much they don't know and more I can't tell them and they didn't understand why I went back to Tony in the first place." She's talking now, unable to stop herself.

"Tony's family only makes me feel guilty and Alex, he would probably beat you up if he had the chance, and by siding with you I feel like I'm betraying them." She whispers, more into the shirt than to him.

"I love Chris - but I can't ask anymore of her and sometimes I - I hear Tony and feel him with me but I know he's not here and will never be here again, not even - not even in the bar." She clenches her jaw, her neck muscles tightening from the strain. "No matter who died it would have broke someone, but I - god help me sometimes I wish it wasn't me."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He's quiet for a moment as she's given him so many different and contradictory thoughts all in a rush, that it takes him a moment to filter through them, to work out how he thinks she feels and how he feels about that.

"I know," he says, pulling his hand away. "Sometimes I-- I'd wish to change places with Tony or to just have...to have already been dead when they got there. But then I know what that would do to Kim and Chase and Chris, and--"

He sighs, looking down at his hands. "I don't know. I don't know what I'd do if I had the choice. I wouldn't want to hurt my daughter, but then at the same time she's older and your child deserves--" His throat is starting to tighten, his voice cracking, but he keeps going, "Your child deserves to grow up with a father."

He swallows, trying to clear his throat. "You don't have to side with me, trust me, I would understand if you didn't, or even if you didn't take sides but didn't want me around. You shouldn't feel like you're betraying someone for me."

[chelleuncurled]

She listens to him, her muscles starting to ache from holding in her emotions. She wishes she didn't say any of it, especially when she hears the pain in his voice. It was easier to pretend that none of these feelings existed - to be distant and polite and not let him in, to view him as the subject of an investigation and not as someone she cares about and not as Tony's best friend.

"There aren't any sides," she whispers, feeling tears well up and not trying to keep them from falling. "Tony wanted to save you. I wanted Tony to save you and we knew the risks and the consequences and to pretend otherwise...it doesn't make it hurt any less, and I - I know you're having trouble." She tries to swallow, almost coughing. "It's not your fault that Tony's dead. It's not. It's no one's except for the man who...pulled the trigger." Her teeth chatter as she tries to regain control and the shirt's almost over her face.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He doesn't look at her as she speaks, not wanting her to see that he's struggling to keep his composure. He should say something, once she's finished, but his throat feels so tight that he's not sure he'd be able to let out anything other than a croak if he even knew what to say.

Instead, after a moment to blink a little, to try and steady himself, he turns to her and puts an arm around her shoulders, pulling her to him gently, so she can back away from him if she wants to.

[chelleuncurled]

The silence feels even more oppressive than before and she thinks she should stand and leave the room because she doesn't want to break down in front of him, but it doesn't seem like her body's giving her any choice in the matter.

She lets herself be moved, awkwardly leaning against his shoulder and knowing he's one of the few people who knows how she feels. He wasn't only there with Tony, he'd been through this part before too.

"How did you get through this?" her voice is strained and barely audible.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"I don't know," he says, "I just kept going. I don't think I really thought about anything further ahead than the next day. I couldn't...do anything else, so I just kept going, one day at a time."

[chelleuncurled]

She doesn't have that luxury - every day her body changes, every day closer to giving birth, and all the moments that Tony will never experience or share are impossible to forget.

And she's trying to even out her breathing and failing and can't keep herself from sobbing as reality hits her all over again. Her face is flushed and she feels like someone's pressing on her chest, but she doesn't move away.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

As she starts to cry, Jack wraps her in a hug, rubbing her back, gently. He wishes he could say something, tell her that it will be all right, but he can't make that kind of promise.

[chelleuncurled]

She wraps her right arm around his neck, her other hand still clutching the t-shirt. This close she can feel the strength he's lost and hasn't regained.

After a few moments, she opens her hand and lets the t-shirt fall back to the floor. For a while no one talks and she slowly begins to calm down. Her tears are almost dry when she lifts her head from his shoulder. "I didn't mean to - "

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"It's okay," he says, stopping her before she can explain exactly what she's apologizing for--whether it's for the tears or her unloading everything. It doesn't matter to him either way.

[chelleuncurled]

She looks up at him and nods, wiping under her eyes. "This is why I don't wear much make-up anymore."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Yeah. At least I never had to worry about that," he says, giving her a very small, weak smile.

[chelleuncurled]

She doesn't answer right away and her look in return is more morose than amused. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He shakes his head. "You had more than enough to deal with already."

[chelleuncurled]

"But that doesn't mean I had any right to make you feel worse," she reaches out and places her hand over his. "I'm sorry that I've shut you out."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He squeezes her hand. "I didn't really expect you not to. I'm glad that we can still talk, though."

[chelleuncurled]

"Me too," She's silent for a moment as she thinks about if she should ask something that's been on her mind. "Jack, what did my mom say at the funeral?"